Zombie

Here’s a familiar situation: the shuffling figure, arms outstretched moving slowly toward you, emitting indecipherable moans, munching on what could be human brains…  And the universal question: Is that a zombie or is it your teenage offspring?  The answer will determine whether you dispatch it in the most grisly way imaginable or feed it mac-and-cheese.

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Fret not.  A new invention offers a solution to this age-old conundrum.  U.S. Patent 9,366,633 issued June 14, 2016 to Szu et al., addresses a ‘…hand held Raman laser device…for distant life-death determination.’ The Invention works by shining a laser through a plume of gas emitted from the distant zombie-like object in question.  If Raman backscattering of the laser light detects molecules that are released only upon death, then it’s a zombie.  If special cameras detect signs of life such as respiration, then it’s time to warm up the cheddar.
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Notable insight from the patent:  “People who are alive have higher energy than deceased people.” (col. 1, line 65)
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Now we know why the undead move so slowly.
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Happy Halloween!
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— Robert Yarbrough, Esq.

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